I haven't felt that feeling in years...decades really. That notion converted into a sinking awareness that the train is off the tracks, that those in the control room are so misguided that we are all in danger. That feeling that mirrors the far side of what most believe to be accurate but is, in fact, a mirage. A mirage with bad intentions.
I felt it during the height of the Vietnam War. When your personal freedoms are impacted based on age and gender, there is no way around it. The law comes calling. As the evidence mounted of ill-informed decisions and a government that valued duplicity over the lives of it's youngest men...the feeling grew. Simply stated, it's an "I gotta get out of here moment." When you realize that there is no unity of thought, that there are people that are "face down in the Kool-Aid" and broadcasting lies and misinformation and it's all tangled up in life and death consequences, it gives rise to a specific emotion. It's alienation as a vivid color. An ugly color. Alienation as a headache. A deadening pain that persists. A kind of frustration that is equal part anger and oddly, the serenity of knowing you know the truth. You know what needs to be done. So it is with our current situation. An enormous harness of twisted emotion and knotted reason has settles on the election of our next President. We have two candidates that inspire disgust even within their own parties. Only one seems mentally healthy.
This must be, it occurred to me recently, what it was like to have a sociopath in charge in Nazi Germany. Trump is so off the wall that every time he opens his mouth we're treated to a first for a person who would be President. He represents the worst of our lesser selves. He's arrogant, unstable, defensive to the Nth degree and lusting for power. If you turn off the sound to his presentations, just look at the body language, he's Hitlerian. We know from past experience that sociopaths can and do assume the roles of leadership. They are often surrounded by blind people who never see was seems so obvious to others. Those folks have their own agendas too.
The shift this week is that now he seems to be planning for the aftermath. He likes to use the term "rigged." As if it's all been decided. His excuses and babbling are so transparent that it's easy to see how some are beginning to fear the climate of election night or the days that will follow. We're in for it. He's given us that gift. The one we don't want...thought we had made that clear. He's sliced large chunks of the racism, xenophobia, misogyny and anti-intellectualism that lives beneath the surface of our shattering dome. Served them up on a gaudy table for the confused to consume. We don't need to be told to be very afraid, because we are.